Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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