All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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