So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
two words: eviction party
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
