I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I've blown a few things in my day
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
