mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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