Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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