New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
