two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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