i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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