i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
