Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
