Ketchup is God's man juice
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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