Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
