Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
