Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
