he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We left the knife in your bed.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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