My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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