Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
