alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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