Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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