i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
