He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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