I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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