I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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