if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
