Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
