Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
