i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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