strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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