According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
