watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
