True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
