we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
