He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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