I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize