Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
