all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
