so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
