Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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