There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
