So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize