you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
