I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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