Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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