i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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