i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
