We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
