He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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