Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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