An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
