my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
