I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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