My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize