i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize