I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
