I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
there is glitter all over my balls
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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