my mouth tastes like poor choices
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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