i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
