I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
