Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
