I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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